Calamity
by kittyxninjax
Summary: A collection of Levi x Erwin oneshots and drabbles based on a number of different themes and scenes. Some spoilers for those who don't read the manga.
1. The End

Notes:

Hi! So this is my first time writing fanfiction in a really long time and I'm rather rusty! This is series of Levi x Erwin drabbles/oneshots that I'm working on, I will update as long as people like it ^_^ There will be spoilers for non-manga readers so please read with caution!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE MANGA (up to chap 84/85). Procced with caution!

Levi's thoughts after Erwin's untimely death. An open letter.

* * *

 **The End**

Life and death, we don't get to choose how it works. You live, then you die. That was how humanity worked. Typically, you cannot save someone from imminent death. You mourn their passing and move on. That is how life works, doesn't it? But what if we do have that choice? Funny, isn't it? Humans don't think about that dilemma because we don't need to. You can't bring someone back from the dead and that's just that. Well, that was the common theory before. Then everything turned to shit because us humans had an awful lot to learn. Having the power right there in your hands is a terrifying thought. I thought I would not have to decide between two humans, on who would life and who would die. I am not God. I didn't give it much thought when you entrusted it to me.

It felt heavy in my hands when the time came. A burnt body, laid in front of my eyes. Those two pleading for their friend's life and I had to it. Honestly, I thought you were dead. Then he dragged your half-mangled body up onto the roof.

 _He's still breathing._

Those words echoed and wouldn't leave my thoughts. I had to do something. I had that power, to bring the commander back from certain death. It was there, right in my grasp, but I couldn't. By God, I wanted to, but those soldiers were not backing down. They were just soldiers, they were merely children, so young and eager.

 _We have to see the sea._

Their hope hadn't died like my had. I had to make a choice, mine and mine alone. I didn't have time to think it through. It took only a second then it was over.

 _You had stopped breathing_.

Gone forever, if only you had listened to me when I told you not to go. It was indeed a suicide mission, you gave your life for humanity's cause. You were a true commander to the end, it pains me still. I would break your legs over and over again just to have you back. You were too stubborn, to a fault, but I wouldn't change that for the world. You were one of the first people I have ever trusted in my life and I can't bring you back.

I have lost so many comrades over the years, some mere acquaintances, others close friends. Not one death was easy to deal with, I had to keep on going. I am a Captain, that is my duty. I am a leader but I will never live up to you, Commander Erwin Smith.

You weren't just a mere comrade to me, you were so much more than that. I recall every conversation we had, on those nights I just couldn't sleep. You would stay up with me, tell me the story of your life. I'd roll my eyes, pretend not to listen. I'd heard the story so many times but I didn't tire of it. It was more than just friendship, yet I couldn't explain it back then. I was naïve, perhaps. You would tell me all the time and I would roll my eyes. I wasn't like you. I was cold, guarded. It was how I was raised, I had to learn how to fight and that was that. I didn't stop to think that I would end up alone and hate every second of it.

With you gone, I feel more empty than usual. Humanity is not safe; our enemies are more unclear than we first thought. If only you were here…

I had the chance, to save you. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I went through life with no regrets except just one;

I wish I had told you how I felt. If only I had the courage to tell you that I _loved_ you, before I lost you forever. And that I will take to my grave.


	2. What difference does it make?

A/N: set at the end of season 2. Little drabble from a tumblr challenge prompt request. Prompt was "stop twisting my words."

 **What difference does it make?**

The room was still. Everyone had since left except one. Levi was sat there, he had not left when Hange and Pixis did. He half expected him to, as he had his new squad to intend to. Erwin watched the tired eyes as he had got up to the door, but instead slammed it without a word and sat back down. Levi shifted in his seat, his eyes on him. "I can't believe you."

"Believe what? Oh please enlighten me." It was hard to tell what was on his mind, especially when he was this exhausted.

The pain hadn't subsided, it was still there. It was a constant reminder that he had failed. More men had died under his watch. The death toll would rise because of him.

"That you have still have a fucking death wish after that."His eyes had glossed over where his right arm used to be.

"I never said that."

"No but what difference does it make? You just said you wanted to" Levi stared at him.

"I did not, stop twisting my words, Levi."

He couldn't get angry with him, but he could see his friend become increasingly agitated. Not an unusual thing, by far.

"I'm not, Erwin. You're an idiot. A suicidal, pitiful old man."The agitation was high in Levi's voice. Instead, Erwin smiled.

"See? That stupid grin. You're just trying to piss me off right now," A grumble and the Captain had moved to the other side of his bed, just standing there.

"Not really. It's nice that you care." Levi's eyes widened for a second, before he leaned his palm against his chin.

"You really need to shave, it's making you look disgusting.

"So you're calling me ugly now" A scoff and he had removed his hand, eyes glanced to the side.

"Get some rest." His left hand reached to touch the other's cheek, if only for a slightly moment.

"You should too, Levi." With him standing so close, he could notice the bags under his eyes becoming more apparent. He knew that Levi rarely slept well but it was obvious that it wasn't getting any better. Drifting in and out of consciousness, he had taken note of Levi's presence. Had he slept here? He wasn't sure.

He nodded and had already made his way to stand by the door. No more arguments, it wasn't the time.

"Hey Erwin, if you're going to hell, I'll be right there with you."

Another smile and his eyes met Levi's.

"I know."


	3. Back to the Old House

A/N:

Another little oneshot. again massive spoilers to non manga readers. this is set after chapters 80+

 **Back to the Old House**

Ten days. It has been that long since they returned from Wall Maria. Ten long fucking days. He knew it wasn't going to be easy and that there would be losses. There always were, this expedition was a lot more risky but essential. And now they knew the truth. However, something was missing. It wasn't right that he wasn't there with them. It just wasn't fair that he wasn't there. It was a chore just to go past his office. In fact, he couldn't. He felt it, the sinking feeling in his gut, the pure longing for something that wasn't there. It was ridiclious, he was a grown man and he had made the right decision. It was what Erwin would have wanted, it had to be. To be from this shitty world, free from the living hell that they all to endure. More importantly, free from the guilt that came with a job like his. He understood himself, many men had fallen due to his orders, but he couldn't bring them back. Fuck, he wanted them all back, every single last one.

Shame, it didn't work like that. Step after step, he stopped as his eyes landed on the new Commander. Shit. He turned around, although he knew it wouldn't probably stop them.

"Levi!"  
He sighed as he didn't move. There wasn't much point as they had already had him cornered, turning to face to him. Great.

"Hey! I have some things—"

"No."

"But you don't even know what I was going to ask." Hanji sighed, but he didn't catch their gaze.  
He didn't reply, as he backed away.

"You can't avoid it forever. It's just an office."

Just an office. He scoffed, not rewarding them with a response. It hurt, more than he let on and Hanji knew how much he meant to him. Heck, he was her close friend too.

"Look, I just want to talk to you. There's some books in there that need to be moved and I don't want to touch them."

His eyes widened as he finally caught their gaze. He thought that Hanji would have had someone move them elsewhere by now.

"Fine. Bet it's full of dust anyway." He rolled his eyes as he turned to face the corridor. It was down there.

"Yeah it needs a good clean." Hanji nodded as Levi followed rather reluctantly. Anxiety gnawed away at his nerves, as he edged closer and closer to the door. He hadn't been in there since, it felt strange to be stood outside when there was nothing but emptiness instead. The captain drew in a breath as they opened the door.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you could pack those books over into the boxes? Just to make room for things." He watched them chew their lip. It wasn't a pleasant thought for anyone.

"Or we could just leave them and I'll make room elsewhere." Hanji shrugged.

No, this had to be done. Erwin wasn't here anymore, there was no point in clinging onto dead memories.

"No, it's fine. I'll do it. You can leave, this shouldn't take long." He stood by the bookcase, his hands sliding over the oak.

"Alright. Let me know if you need a hand."

Levi nodded as the door closed shut. Suddenly, the room seemed bigger. He was alone which he was aware of. The room hadn't changed much since he last remembered it. the desk was still cluttered and the couch was still there. It was as if he never left.

If only.

He bit his lip as he crouched to his knees, his eyes on the bottom shelf. So many books, history books, literature. he pulled out the first one, glancing over the barren cover. He slid over the box, placing the book inside. One down. It seemed easier than he thought, yet he didn't like the silence. It was eerie and unlikely of this place. He had forgotten just how many hours he had spent here, watching him work. Usually, he got annoyed by the sheer time he took. He would sit on his desk, just to piss him off enough for him to hurry up. a faint smile held on his lips as he had that memory. A happy memory.

There were many, that was a comfort. He recalled the first time he was summoned to his office, right after he had promoted to Commander. They had tea to celebrate, that Erwin had managed to get a hold of. The two china cups were still there, on the middle shelf. He bit his lip, as he slipped another handful of books into the box. His eyes caught sight of the ciuch again and he Isabel and Farlan died, he struggled to sleep at all. When he noticed that, he offered him to sleep on his couch. It became a habit, only when he was exhausted. Erwin wouldn't leave him, even then. Most of the time, he was still working. He would find himself nodding off to the sound of scribbling notes…

That sound was now missing. Hands shoved more books into the now messy pile in the box. His hands were shaking, which he didn't take notice of. He just had to get this done, so he couldn't leave.

"I should never have come back here." He muttered under his breathe.

Levi stood up, realising he had just one shelf left. the cups were still there, but he had decided to leave them. Hanji could move them later. There were just three books left, a couple of history books that he shoved in , then there was one more. Poetry.  
He carried the book over to the box, dropping it in when something slipped out. It was a page, no, this was in his handwriting. Words, verse, this was a poem. He recalled him talking about it, asking him for suggestions. He remembered that day, he just told him to stop being a sappy idiot... His eyes stared at the page before tossing it aside.

Shit. His hands didn't stop shaking. It was a fucking love poem, but he couldn't think who it was to. A swift kick to the box, he cursed.

"Fucking sappy asshole." He grit his teeth, storming over to his desk. He had to find out if there were any more. He pulled out the drawers, finding absolutely nothing.  
He kicked the desk, before landing in the chair. He bet it was to that girl he was dating before she married, Nile? He thought that was his name. He couldn't think of anyone else. He closed his eyes, his hands balled into fists. That memory came flooding back, although he wished it hadn't.

"You like poetry?"

"No, it's for idiots."

"Someday you'll appreciate it, I bet my dinner on it."

"You're ridiclious."

"One day, you will see." Erwin had smiled and he couldn't get that thought out of his head.

One day…

He scrambled out the seat, picking the letter up and scanned the first line again.

One day you will see…

It fell out his hands and he fell to knees.

Why didn't he realise? Why couldn't he tell him sooner? He felt the same, by God he did. It was too late, too fucking late. It was a bad idea coming back and he knew it. Maybe he was reading too much into things but that didn't matter. It didn't stop him as he shoved the box across the room and fell into the big armchair. One regret he had in life was not being open enough. It didn't matter if it wasn't meant for him as it didn't change his own feelings. He missed him, so much. His eyes stung, but he didn't move. He didn't want to cry, he just wanted to see that day but it was one day too late…


End file.
